Saying Goodbye

This past Thursday one of my bestest friends passed away. 

 HIs family moved down the street from mine in the 4th grade (maybe the summer before?).  I still remember when my mom MADE me go over to his house and bring them cookies.  I remember sitting on the steps in his main hallway and him asking me if I wanted to see his room... so he showed me and we were friends since.

Growing up I danced a lot!! Ryan and Alex would always call me after dance rehearsals and come hang out with me.  And, of course, come support me at my shows

Ryan had a golden tongue.  He could talk anyone into anything.  Our sophomore year he even talked my parents into letting him come with us on a DisneyLand trip.  It's a miracle my parents let him come. We all slept in the same room, and Ryan slept on the floor haha

He took me on my first date! I honestly have no idea where we got the pictures taken!! But I do remember getting some food and then going to the Harry Potter book release.. Yeah that was my idea ;)

For some reason, Ryan loved planning a bank heist... I think it happened after we watched 'The Italian Job'.  I was to be the distraction.. because I'm such a babe ;)  and I'm pretty sure he designated himself as the get away driver

Ryan and Alex were the best friends a girl could ask for.  They filled my room with balloons for my 16 birthday!! Blowing up those balloons was a beast.. or so they told me!

Ryan was a staple in my life.  I remember this past New Years Eve Woody and I were at my parents house and they were going to the Newsons for a party.  Woody and I went cuz Ryan would be there, and Ryan said he'd stay cuz we'd come.  

Ryan was a family friend, and there were times when I'd come home from somewhere, and Ryan would already be there!

We were friends even when we didn't look fabulous... never was a fan of Ryan's black hair, and he was kind enough to mention how silly I looked with my fancy make up

Another example of his golden tongue.  Somehow Ryan talked Alex and I into going on this free drop ride at Lagoon.  Seriously, so scary! And I have no idea how he talked me into that!

Saying goodbye to Ryan was one of the hardest things I have had to do, it still doesn't seem real all the time.  I take courage in knowing that he has now found peace, and that he is with our Father in Heaven.  I am so grateful to know that Eternal Progression is possible, that life goes on, and that someday I will see him again.  

The Spiritual thought for the post comes from the song 'I Know that my Redeemer Lives'

1. 1. I know that my Redeemer lives.
   What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
   He lives, he lives, who once was dead.
   He lives, my ever-living Head.
   He lives to bless me with his love.
   He lives to plead for me above.
   He lives my hungry soul to feed.
   He lives to bless in time of need.
2. 2. He lives to grant me rich supply.
   He lives to guide me with his eye.
   He lives to comfort me when faint.
   He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
   He lives to silence all my fears.
   He lives to wipe away my tears.
   He lives to calm my troubled heart.
   He lives all blessings to impart.
3. 3. He lives, my kind, wise heav'nly Friend.
   He lives and loves me to the end.
   He lives, and while he lives, I'll sing.
   He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.
   He lives and grants me daily breath.
   He lives, and I shall conquer death.
   He lives my mansion to prepare.
   He lives to bring me safely there.
4. 4. He lives! All glory to his name!
   He lives, my Savior, still the same.
   Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
   "I know that my Redeemer lives!"
   He lives! All glory to his name!
   He lives, my Savior, still the same.
   Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:
   "I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Goodbye to my life long friend... I will see you again

Taking Charge of your Fertility

Since spilling the beans I have had lots of helpful tips about how to get pregnant.  I love how caring and thoughtful everyone has been.. thank you to all.

One suggestion that I got a lot was to read the book "Taking Charge of your Fertility".  

One of my sweet friends at work actually took charge of my fertility and got the book for me :) She's adorable. 

 So... if you didn't know it's beastly! A very thick book..

When I got it I felt like this: 

I was ready to read this book and see all of the wonderfully helpful hints it had to make me pregnant.  I thought to myself "Bring on the pregnancy!!!"

I got reading and my face started looking like this:

I had heard about a lot of the hints it talked about.  But it was nice to read about them a little  a lottle more in depth than I had before.  Some things made me feel relaxed and others.. not so much

I will admit there are some pictures that made my face look like this:

They just popped out of nowhere and I wasn't fully prepared for them hahahahaha yeah.. 

Let's just stay that luckily Woody studied Biology so he was not as bug eyed as me ;)

But we are pressing forward.  I currently have my chart on my nightstand.  I take my temperature in the morning first thing (first thing as in, can't get out of bed until you take it, first thing).  I will admit this is difficult simply because I have to read the tiny screen and have enough comprehension and thinking capability to write down my temperature.  

Seriously... you would never know how hard it is to do that before you are fully awake. until you do it.  It makes me feel very silly how much I struggle reading that dang thing.

Besides taking charge of my fertility...

I've been over emotional this week.  It has been that cursed wonderful time of the month for me.  Where I am reminded of my potential to be a mother. 

I saw a newborn baby at school... I about lost it.  It was the first time ever that I have seen a baby and had that gut dropping, heart stopping experience.  I love kids, and usually seeing them and playing with them brings me joy.  But not this time. I blame my hormones.  

I knew that I couldn't look and stare and wonder at the baby.   I was in the gym looking at presentations with my class at the time, so I quickly found a student and asked them to show me their favorites to distract me.  I'll be totally honest, it took some serious will power for me to stay in that gym. 

My week got better.  I went to the Temple. I had a wonderful experience with my Heavenly Father speaking to my heart.  He loves me and takes great care of me.

Here is another lovely scripture from the Book of Mormon this time:

Alma Chapter 37:36

"Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all they thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever."

Remember, the Lord is on your side.  Always.

How to tell the family!

One of the very worst things about trying to get pregnant (for me, personally) are the late periods.

The most unfortunate part about this is that the signs for your period approaching are THE EXACT SAME as the signs that you are pregnant.  Well... as far as I've read they are :) Whose bright idea was this?!

Oh Google... how you've tutored me.  I'm pretty sure I've googled the following things more often than I care to admit: "signs of pregnancy"  "spotting in early pregnancy"  "cramps during early pregnancy"  "how early do pregnancy signs start coming" and so on and so forth.

Like all else... the information out there is a lot.  Pregnancy is such an individual matter that when you Google above phrases your answer basically comes out to be: "yes"  "no"  "sometimes"  "probably"  "every 3rd Tuesday in March"

It. Is. Awesome.

So Google + late periods + overactive brain = Ideas on how to tell the family!!

The first time that I remember truly believing I was pregnant was in October.  I was planning on wearing a shirt like this:

Then at Thanksgiving I was having another possibly pregnant experience.  Remember these pictures?

Well one of them was supposed to look like this:

Don't worry I would have taken more time on it and made it cuter... 

Also during our last family photographs:

I was planning on talking to our photographer and having Woody and I announce it right before she took a picture, so then we could get the reactions in a photo, cute yeah??

And lots more that I won't bother talking about...

Needless to say, I'm a slow learner.  But NOW I have learned that pregnancy tests are not to be even thought about until you are 2 months late.  The words "pregnancy test" have become swear words to me now.

This part has been hard.  Because as you're late and seeing "signs" you TRY really hard to not let yourself get excited.  Logically you can think, I'm probably not pregnant, I've had these signs before... but you're heart says, "I'M PREGNANT! I'M PREGNANT! AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!"  So you decide OK I'll take the pregnancy test.  You get anxious, and excited and then.... 

not pregnant.

But Don't worry you're little heart whispers to you.... you can have a false negative

So the time came last month.  My period was late.  My heart was excited. I was exhausted.  

I went to the Temple.  And I laid my heart out to my Father in Heaven.  I told him I had Faith, I knew whatever His answer was I would be strong, so I asked, "please lift this burden from me, Am I pregnant or not?"

I am sure you all can guess, the answer was No.  But it was the best, most rewarding, "no" I have ever received.  This truly was a tender mercy from my Father in Heaven.  I knew I was just late, at the same time I received this knowledge, I received a surge of love from my God.  He told me He loved me, He knew me, and was watching out for me.  

So for the first time throughout this experience I was able to wait for my period without the roller coaster.  It was the most peaceful late period I have had this entire time.  I thank my Heavenly Father for that tender mercy.

During scripture study this week I came across this beauty:

"I will not leave you comfortless I will come to you" John 14:18

Yes, of course this is a trial.  But, who doesn't have trials?? Yes, I hate it.  But, my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have not let me tackle it solo.  They have taken every step with me, and some steps (most) they have taken for me.  

I am grateful and appreciate all the kind words and uplifting thoughts that everyone has given to me.  I know that I do not take this journey alone.  So many girls walk it with me, and God the Father, and Jesus Christ walk it as well.  

To the (Not-Yet) Moms

So... Some days are harder than others.  I am guessing that for a lot of us who are currently trying to get pregnant Mother's Day is one of those days.

Sadly it is a day that now reminds you of what you wish to be, and yet have not been able to become. But someday, you WILL. In one way or another.

To help you love this day and use it to celebrate your mother(s) and your future motherhood I have some thoughts for you:

One thing that has definitely changed/strengthened is my faith.

I now have the faith that when God does not grant me my desire (being pregnant) right when I want it, it is because He knows best and I have faith that His plan is so much better than my own plan.  I have the faith that He is helping me become who I was meant to be.

As I mentioned before, I've had rough days during this trial, but I have also had some really good days. I know that my good days have all come through my faith in my Father in Heaven.  The scripture below is from the Book of Mormon.  As a Mormon we believe in the truth of the Bible, but we also believe in the Book of Mormon.  I love this book, and know without a doubt of it's truth.

"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Mosiah, 24:15

Turn to the Lord this day and ask Him to make your burden light.  Then, turn towards others around you and lose yourself in doing things for them.

"When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God" Mosiah 2:17

As you go about celebrating Mother's Day with your mother(s) and the mothers around you remember that:

We have all been blessed with bodies to bear children.  Sadly, some of our bodies do not work properly in making our future babies.  This is not your fault, it is not God being angry at you, or purposefully denying you.  I know that it is hard, and consuming.  I also know that God loves you and wants the best for you.  I know that wether you have your own children or adopted children that you will love them with all your heart and that they will fulfill your life .

Up Close and Personal: I want to be a mom

I have no idea where/how to start but, I want a baby.

I have thought a lot about whether or not I should blog about this, but I've come to the conclusion of why not?  I also hope that someone at sometime will read my posts about my experiences and it will help them in whatever way they need to be helped. So here's my story..

I've ALWAYS wanted kids.  In high school I would tell everyone that I wanted 10 kids and I meant it! I would still mean it if I had more child bearing years and could space them out but....

When Woody and I got married we consulted with our  Heavenly Father and felt that we should be on birth control because it wasn't time for kids, and it definitely wasn't. So we went on birth control and enjoyed the married life ;)

I loved (and still love) the time where it was Woody and I.  We had a lot to learn, and probably still do. We've grown a lot over the years and last summer, again with the Lord's help, we decided it was time to stop the birth control and have a BABY!

I was beyond excited.  I love kids, always have... that's why I teach first grade and my dream job is to teach Preschool.  I was so excited because for the past 3 years I'd thought about our kids, made lists of names for our kids, pictured our kids,  yearned for our kids and so much more.

We were nervous, but felt ready.  I remember one conversation we had where the excitement of just starting to try to have a baby was in the air.  We asked each other "how long do you think it will take?"
"ONE MONTH!" I hoped... but we both agreed that three months was a logical time for it to take.

And then the waiting began.....


I've always had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad periods.  They're miserable.  I have cramps like there is no tomorrow! In high school I went on some medication to help ease the cramps and make my periods lighter.  Birth control also kept me regular and helped the pain of the cramps.

Without birth control everything went haywire.  My periods are now again, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad periods.  And.. the winner.... I do not have a regular schedule.

I can have a 20 day month cycle, 30 day,  40 day and anything in between.

As you can imagine I have been "100% sure, no doubt about it" pregnant (not really though) a few times.

It's....... exhausting.

I have never loved roller coasters, and I dislike emotional roller coasters even less.

Woody has been a huge support throughout this experience and my love for him has grown.  But I must admit, even more than Woody, I would not be sane without my loving Heavenly Father.  Without him this trial would be beyond anything I could handle.  Without Him carrying me I would have fallen a part.

I want to tell you (whoever 'you' are) more about my experience and how much my Father in Heaven has helped me through it.

SO MANY girls go through this.  So many of us cry silently, with no support, because it's too close to our hearts to tell.  I would like to say loud and clear, I want to have a baby, and thus far, I can't.  But it's OK. I love my life and I hope that if any of you are struggling with this, I can help you love your life too.

So keep reading the posts to come and I will take you through one of my most personal experiences, one where I have seen God's hand in my life more than any other time.  I hope that you will see Him in yours too.

I am a Mormon.  And I am struggling to have a baby.