Friday, May 10, 2013

Up Close and Personal: I want to be a mom

I have no idea where/how to start but, I want a baby.

I have thought a lot about whether or not I should blog about this, but I've come to the conclusion of why not?  I also hope that someone at sometime will read my posts about my experiences and it will help them in whatever way they need to be helped. So here's my story..

I've ALWAYS wanted kids.  In high school I would tell everyone that I wanted 10 kids and I meant it! I would still mean it if I had more child bearing years and could space them out but....

When Woody and I got married we consulted with our  Heavenly Father and felt that we should be on birth control because it wasn't time for kids, and it definitely wasn't. So we went on birth control and enjoyed the married life ;)

I loved (and still love) the time where it was Woody and I.  We had a lot to learn, and probably still do. We've grown a lot over the years and last summer, again with the Lord's help, we decided it was time to stop the birth control and have a BABY!

I was beyond excited.  I love kids, always have... that's why I teach first grade and my dream job is to teach Preschool.  I was so excited because for the past 3 years I'd thought about our kids, made lists of names for our kids, pictured our kids,  yearned for our kids and so much more.

We were nervous, but felt ready.  I remember one conversation we had where the excitement of just starting to try to have a baby was in the air.  We asked each other "how long do you think it will take?"
"ONE MONTH!" I hoped... but we both agreed that three months was a logical time for it to take.

And then the waiting began.....

I've always had terrible, horrible, no good, very bad periods.  They're miserable.  I have cramps like there is no tomorrow! In high school I went on some medication to help ease the cramps and make my periods lighter.  Birth control also kept me regular and helped the pain of the cramps.

Without birth control everything went haywire.  My periods are now again, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad periods.  And.. the winner.... I do not have a regular schedule.

I can have a 20 day month cycle, 30 day,  40 day and anything in between.

As you can imagine I have been "100% sure, no doubt about it" pregnant (not really though) a few times.

It's....... exhausting.

I have never loved roller coasters, and I dislike emotional roller coasters even less.

Woody has been a huge support throughout this experience and my love for him has grown.  But I must admit, even more than Woody, I would not be sane without my loving Heavenly Father.  Without him this trial would be beyond anything I could handle.  Without Him carrying me I would have fallen a part.

I want to tell you (whoever 'you' are) more about my experience and how much my Father in Heaven has helped me through it.

SO MANY girls go through this.  So many of us cry silently, with no support, because it's too close to our hearts to tell.  I would like to say loud and clear, I want to have a baby, and thus far, I can't.  But it's OK. I love my life and I hope that if any of you are struggling with this, I can help you love your life too.

So keep reading the posts to come and I will take you through one of my most personal experiences, one where I have seen God's hand in my life more than any other time.  I hope that you will see Him in yours too.

I am a Mormon.  And I am struggling to have a baby.


  1. You will be a mother. I don't know when, but I do know that it will be worth the wait.

    I admire your courage and optimism!

  2. Good for you for sharing! I hate that so often these topics are so taboo...and I am part of the problem by not sharing. :/ We tried for 9 months before getting pregnant the first time. Then, we miscarried after 3 months and had to wait another 6 before trying again. Darkest part of my life! I won't ever say "I know how you feel" because I don't. But I do hope you make it through stronger than ever!

  3. I love you my Amy! As always, we are praying for you. You are precious not only to us but to Heavenly Father. He will bless you as well as carry you.

  4. Amy- Ive struggled with infertility and it was probably one of the hardest trials in my life. No one can prepare you for the emotions. Im so sorry you are going through it! Luckily with modern medicine there are so many things you can do to help you achieve your goal. If you ever have any questions you can call me. My two very best friends have gone through it as well and had similar problems as yours with their periods. I will be praying for you. Love you and life just isnt fair! Please please call me. Have you had any tests done yet?

  5. So sorry to hear of your struggle. Thank you for sharing. I know somewhat of what you're going through. Several months ago, Jeff and I went through a miscarriage. Only my family knew I was expecting since it was still pretty early on in my pregnancy but I was heartbroken. In months since, we haven't been able to get pregnant yet, and it is super frustrating. I know we will both have kids one day though! Faith will do wonders I'm sure. Love you!

  6. Thank you for writing this Amy. Spencer and I have been trying to have our second little one for close to a year now and this is a trial that I don't wish on anyone. The only peace that I have been able to find is that I know Heavenly Father is in control. This topic is not touched on nearly enough and it is so comforting to read your story and know that I am not alone in this, especially when everyone else around seems to be getting pregnant just fine. You will be in my prayers!

  7. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know that when the time comes you and Woody will hands down be the worlds greatest parents!!! Hang in there. We love you lots!!!

  8. Amy, my dear. You will make a FANTASTIC mother one day! I will be praying in God's time and Will that you and Woody may be parents! My sister practices Natural Family Planning (I think hers is sympto-thermal, but there are other models like Billings and Creighton). I don't know if you've heard much about them or not, but basically they track your body's natural fertile symptoms like mucus, temp, etc. to better recognize when you are fertile/infertile per month. I know many women who have been able to get pregnant (or avoid pregnancy) accurately due to the knowledge that charting & NFP has helped them attain about their bodies. Especially if you have always had irregular periods, it can possibly help you distinguish per month when you are ovulating, since that time frame is probs different every month. You could very well already know lots about NFP or have considered it, but I can always track down some info for you if you'd like! :) I took a class recently and have begun charting to better know my own cycle (and possibly pick up on other patterns in moods, headaches, etc.) Just let me know if I could help refer you to anyone about it! I have hope for you, Amy! There's so much to learn about our bodies and every woman's cycle is beautifully unique. I will pray for you and Woody as you continue to pursue children. Love you lots, my dear and miss you!

    1. Thank you so much for the information Cari! I actually am getting this book on Monday called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and it sounds like it talks a lot about the same stuff as NFP does to help you track. I really appreciate all the prayers!! Love you Cari

  9. It took us a year before we got pregnant with Madden and it was the hardest year of my life. You guys are doing it right by relying on The Lord. He does have a plan for each of us even though sometimes its so frustrating. I wouldn't trade that year though because it had made me who I am today. Me and karson are better parents because of it. When times get tough just remember to fall on your knees because he is truly the only one who knows what your going through! You guys will be awesome parents I know it!